What is a Snapple?
by Dementors hate chocolate
Summary: Snape steal's Malfoy's girlfriend, Malfoy says he's hot, Lily comes back, and Harry gets disgusted. ONESHOT.


**I do not own Harry Potter.**

"Professor," Draco knocked on the Potion Master's office door. "I had a question about the lesson..."

"Ah, come in," Snape sounded flustered.

Draco opened the door, and looked suspiciously around the room. He was using his question about the lesson to disguise his real motive for confronting Snape.

Snape was perched on his desk; it seemed like he was trying to hide something from view.

"What's on your desk, Professor?" Draco asked, his eyes narrowed.

"Oh, nothing," Snape said, nervously, shifting his weight.

Draco suddenly jumped forward, pushing Snape so he fell off the desk.

Sitting behind him, was a shiny red apple.

"I knew it!" Draco screamed, his eyes bugging. "You stole my girlfriend!"

"Now, see here, Mr. Malfoy," Snape said, getting up and brushing himself off. "She is not your girlfriend anymore. She's mine."

"Because you STOLE her from me! One night, there she was on my nightstand, and the next morning she was gone! What did you do, come in the middle of the night and abduct her?" Draco slammed his hand on the desk.

"I DID not steal her, she came to me. She said you just weren't making her happy." Snape sneered. "And she said that I was hotter then you!"

"WHAT!" Draco spluttered. "No way are you hotter then me! I mean look at this hair!" Draco shook his head, and his soft pale blond locks fell over his forehead. "I am the freaking hottest person in this school! No one can compete with this," Draco gestured at himself.

"That is no way to speak to a teacher, Mr. Malfoy. Fifty points from Slytherin," Snape whispered, furious.

"But, it's true, I'm hotter then you!"

"Fifty more points."

"But I am so hot!"

"Fifty more points."

"But I'm..."

"I would advise you to keep your mouth closed Mr. Malfoy, unless you want to lose more points for your house."

"Fine," Draco glared. "But I WILL get you for this."

Draco slammed the door on his way out, then slumped against the wall, sobbing for his lost apple. What did Snape have that he didn't?

Snape stood in front of the full length mirror in his office, pulled up his sleeves, and flexed his muscles.

"Oh, I am so hot! I'm awesome. I can take points away from people because I don't like their opinions!"

Snape strutted around the room. The apple sat on the desk, watching him.

The next day in Potions class, Draco walked in with none other then Lily Potter. It was really Pansy Parkinson, and they just performed several appearance changing charms to make her look like Lily. Snape stared at Lily when she followed Draco in.

"Lily!" Snape cried. "I thought you were dead!'

"Mom!" Harry Potter said, jumping up from his chair.

Snape started toward Lily, but then Draco started making out with her.

"EWWWWW!" Harry yelled covering his eyes.

Draco broke apart from Lily, and yelled to Snape, "HA! Look, I'm kissing the woman you loved before your archenemy married her!"

Snape grabbed Draco by the neck and started strangling him.

"You can have her if I can have Mackie back!" Draco choked out.

"Fine, here!" Snape dug the apple out of his pocket, and handed it to Draco.

"Mackie!" Draco hugged the apple, but the apple was angry. Why couldn't this boy just let her go! She didn't love him anymore, she wanted Snape. Well, she was going to rot soon anyway, she could already feel a bruise forming on her red flesh, might as well get her death over with. The apple pulled out of Draco's hand and flipped into the nearest cauldron, where she dissolved immediately.

"NOOOOOO!" Draco yelled. The steam coming from Neville's cauldron smelt like warm applesauce.

Snape said to Lily, "I love you, and I always have."

"EWWW!" Harry screamed, covering his ears.

"Well, I hate you, you filthy greasy man. You are an evil person. I'm leaving." Lily . Pansy stalked out of the dungeon.

Snape stared after her. "Lily, you think I'm...greasy?"

Snape and Draco collapsed on the cold dungeon floor, holding on to each other and sobbing over their lost loves.

**Oh, where do I come up with this stuff? **

**Review!**


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